It's days away from A's and yet I've been picking up good deals at Uniqlo of all places.


Yep thats right, my new and rather embarrassing secret, to lose myself and all the stress and frustration by plunging headfirst looking for something "good"


(So far, my maiden pick has somewhat bombed, with the mat crew in the studying room making it a big and continuing joke out of it. Looks like that short sleeved almost transparent thin jacket of mine won't be making the regular rounds for a while)

Today was a thick long sleeved sweater.


See the irony? I only realized it on my way back, that I just bought something that is opposite to the previous.



But hey, it was a bargain, and it did what it was supposed to do (make me feel happier and reduce the trauma)







I felt rather tired and drained today, and the rainy and stormy afternoon in the end made me want to stay at home instead.


Pathetic.


Tomorrow and the days to come, come hail or sandstorms, Bagero gonna march out ler. There's a reason why Red Bull is going on a discount if you buy it on a six-pack.


(Another sign that Bagero qualifies as a good makeshift auntie, he's just a sucker for such deals)



Now if only I can maximize productivity and cull the chatter (it takes up an hour or 2, I noticed...and in a quiet environment...so much for a "study room")


Ipod nano Ipod nano, why did you have to die on me?

It's been 5 weeks since I last touched anything related to that psychoactive drug that robs you of your social life.

5 months since I last ate egg.

2-3 months since I last touched alcoholic based drinks

And 11 years of education in SG (Cmon P sch is srs bzs)





This situation feels so different.

Back then in the first war, it was more archaic, a case of work work work, without any ingenuity needed (not much rewards for that), but rather pure brute force.(Well times have changed, and today's PSLE is really SRS BZS)


Ok...got myself into a nice place (not ideal, but hey I won't want a change if you gave me one)


Then the second war loomed ahead. (After 2 years of wasting away and scraping)


And this time I was like stuck in the middle, not in serious danger yet (Keyword "yet", bear with me) but no headway upwards.

Like I was stuck in a rut (with minor success but major disappointment)



Then, with as much wisdom as putting your head into the gutters to look for a runaway crocodile, I ended blowing up my grades. To bits and pieces.


So I was in danger of not making it, but heck, deep down I knew this wasnt me, a case of SNAFUs that would clear.A one time thing, don't hold your breath for the next.

Prep for the war this time was different, took it more analytically and made some calls/gambles. Placed some hours into it...


And even though it was no Mother of Pearl or Crown of Gold in the end, hey a workable and functioning silver suit of armor seems ok...




Now? I'm like down in the gutters, pushing people up the bell curve (the very curve I used to appreciate, but hey hey guess who's the sucker now).


Instead of being a wu bai jiang jun (aka invincible general), I'm more of a CB jiang jun (no translation available).

"Deutschland siegt an allen fronten"? (Germany victorious on all fronts) ?



NEIN


More of the last 12 days of the Third Reich.




And so it's a common refrain to hear how bad I got my stuffing kicked out of me, heck it was a running joke for a while.Heck the situations I get myself in are often a comedy of errors.

But still it ain over till the fat lady sings.

And so the prelims (a mock bloody battle) came swiftly and I attempted to bring it under my foot.




As successful as a penal battalion living into their 80s I bet.

Getting curbstomped to almost a new record (ok this part I'm exaggerating because in absolute terms I've improved, but an U is an U) killed my mood, and possible social nature.

Still I think it's winnable.

The playing field evened out, and you gotta cut that deficit anyway

I gotta admit, I got confidence problems at times (I listened to Gohel not to feel sorry for myself and I don't. But I somehow feel some dread or fear, particularly when I'm tackling something that has been a perennial graveyard)

Smells like fear, something aggro bagero finds it rather disconcerting and foreign.

The plants said : " We will fight the stone with root and stem and seed. We are patient. We will win."

(Burgeoning)


There's a fine line between madness and genius. Faith and Fanaticism. Hope and Delusion

But somehow, it's in those last few days that people have that glimmer of hope (curse you pandora), like the dying feel that it's not their time yet.

The pummelled boxer refuses to yield to the punishment.

He wants to go the distance.Round 15 is within sight.Fuck the points, he's standing on no matter what.





Less than month before the blows start landing.



No Pain!


" You want it more than he does!"

NO PAIN!

So I just got my results back, and yeah, that comic pretty sums up what anyone would think or react if they saw mine. (credit dan and ian for it)


Srsly man, this is getting ridiculous.


I feel like going berserk at times.


When I studied hard (mind you, like really alot alot of effort) and I end up doing 1 mark worse than something I sorta gave up and left to the winds...


Great. Tells you volumes of what I lack.


And on to some weird pseudo anti-social complex that seems to be occurring lately and well, thats basically life down here.


1 more month and thats it.



Watching the Oxynia wipe video, and sometimes, I feel as though it's all playing out in my head.


"NOW HANDLE IT!"


A constant replay of our lives is flashing before my eyes
A silent movie in black and white
Maybe it got too much too soon
It's getting hot as hell and we're burning up
I think we're gonna crash


Back to the grind.

More than halfway past the prelims so far.

So far so bad.



Being psychosocial is such a chore. I mean clamming up and holding the beast within from raging and going berserk (Ok fine, I admit, I let it out for a walk in the male toilet after my GP exam. If you heard lots of loud noises at the 3rd floor end of toilets, yes it was me.)

Life coming in full circle?

I mean, when I first got into MJ, it was somewhat like that, acting all quiet and clammed up. Vanishing early or Cloak of Skill on the CD (Sorry I couldnt resist), so that I could sneak off to my quiet corner at the back of the LTs and hang out with the guys.

(Note: Of course I still hang out with some people, but I mean it's not all the time)

And now? Well I don't go the back anymore (damn place crawling with stiffs and couples PDA-ing. Yes you heard right. Couples.Mj.PDA-ing. Surrealistic as it sounds, it isn't really something you wanna see often.) And theres not much of the guys to hang out with. They either left, or got their own stuff, or its just me not really giving much of a crap for company.

Woah hang on there cowboy, you mean you gonna be some lone ranger and shirk your "tontos"?

Nope, just trying to say I'm rather comfortable going John Rambo that any Chewbacca, Robin or Justice League is a bonus. (The Chewbacca jibe was not aimed at Melvin, but don't you think it fits ;P!)


So it should be wonderful right, I mean you chose it what.



Well, it is....so far.



I mean with the way life is now, being alone is a wonderful reprieve, cmon I got what I wanted.



But somehow it feels like some forced thing. Like its not a natural thing.






I mean cmon guys, I'm usually the source of entertainment (whether I intentionally wanted to be or not). And suppressing this gift (Yes it's a gift mostly, sometimes a curse) sure feels weird.




Bottomline put simple:

I like being quiet and all mundane or tranquil in my life, but it feels like I need effort to do it. AKA cant be myself.



And so much for making Alterna by Ayumi Hamasaki my anthem of 08. (That song tells you to be yourself no matter what)



Ok serious stuff aside, my revision is better than before but who am I kidding. I have a hard time on gear checks and those high end ones, wonder how much I actually can push it to.

50%? 75%? Jesus, with figures like that, I got enough time to count how many I'll be losing in that one paper.




Study Bagero Study.



Well I'm. Progress is painfully slow. "What do you see", I see nothing spectacular so far.







Looks like REAL LIFE is the REAL GRIND. And no, to quote Econs :"Education is a long drawn process with no certain outcomes"

QFT



Hmm still sound so serious. Ok lighter side now.









It's a bitch without my "wife". My Ipod died on me after years of abuse, and is now a glorious piece of credit card junk. Sigh* I'm already missing her. I promise to my future Ipod to be that I buy a nice cover or case for her.


Worse thing is, after my Ipod came into my possession, my radio died on me in protest to the newcomer. So I don't have any radio at all now, I've mean it been years!



Laptop play music.


Sigh*






After exams I think I'll take one day to go shopping (How un-Alpha male-ish >.<). Then maybe I'll go on a big eating spree. (Meat and lots of it). Maybe I won't even have the mood because it would be one month before A's. A constant replay of our lives is flashing before my eyes
A silent movie in black and white
Maybe it got too much too soon
It's getting hot as hell and we're burning up
I think we're gonna crash


If Laintime just finished his NS in Korea and is orchestrating his comeback.

So should I in taking the fight for my grades.


We're not afraid to die
We're not afraid to lose our minds
We're not afraid to face the things we left behind
We're not afraid

Is it me, or is blogger the site somewhat weird?

Anyway today was productive (unlike last night's debauchery...and I left early!).

Tanking through the night (again. I think I really work best at night).


I'm becoming more and more mechanical, a fact not lost upon me when I went to the Emperor's house to celebrate MC' Bday.

It was like the good ol'days where I could whip into a frenzy or go into start shouting out loud and going crazy or wild.(ask Varian HAHAHA)

Thank god I deactivated Facebook, otherwise a whole lot of videos of me doing something really wild would have surfaced (DELETE THOSE VIDEOS PLS!)


Study study study, this is gonna be another long grind like the O's but with bigger stakes and questions that hit like a mack truck.


I guess I finally got my Resilience. Even if it means a glum and solemn face.



Lets go then.It'll be all over in 2 months.


2 months.

No regrets

I'm gonna become a vampire and not leave school the sun sets.



The shit has hit the fan.


And I'm left standing there like a fool with a broom and no umbrella.




The End ( "You are not prepared" isn't something you ever want to hear)